On a sunny beach, a man is lounging, wearing nothing but a cap covering his modesty. A woman strolls by and can’t help but comment, “If you were any sort of gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” The man smirks and replies, “If you were any sort of a hot lady, the hat would lift by itself.”
The scene shifts to a neighborhood with a sign reading, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, a man rings the doorbell. The owner points to the backyard, where the dog is lounging. The man asks, “Can you talk?” The dog responds confidently, “Yep!”
“Wow! What’s your story?” the man asks.
“Well, I discovered my ability to talk when I was young. I worked as a spy for the CIA because I could travel unnoticed and overhear important conversations. After that, I did some undercover work at the airport. Now I’m just enjoying my retirement.”
Amazed, the man turns to the owner and asks, “How much for the dog?”
“Ten dollars,” the owner replies.
“Ten dollars? Why so cheap?”
“He’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
Next, a man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub. Out pops a genie! “I’ll grant you three wishes,” the genie says, “but your ex-wife gets double whatever you wish for.”
The man thinks hard and says, “Okay, I wish for a mansion.”
“Granted, but your ex-wife now has two mansions,” the genie replies.
“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars.”
“Granted. But your ex-wife now has two billion dollars.”
With a sly grin, the man says, “For my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death.”
At a bar, a duck walks in and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender frowns, “No, we don’t serve grapes here.”
The duck leaves but comes back the next day, “Got any grapes?”
“I told you yesterday, no grapes!” the bartender replies, annoyed.
The duck leaves but returns again, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, frustrated, shouts, “If you ask for grapes one more time, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar!”
The duck leaves, but the next day, it returns. “Got any nails?”
“No,” says the bartender, confused.
“Good. Got any grapes?”
One night, a burglar sneaks into a house to steal valuables. He hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He freezes and looks around but sees nothing. He hears it again, “Jesus is watching you.”
Shining his flashlight, he spots a parrot. “Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m Moses,” the parrot replies.
“Moses? What kind of people name a parrot Moses?” the burglar scoffs.
“The same kind that names their Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot retorts.
Meanwhile, a frog hops into a bank and asks for a loan. Ms. Patty Whack, the loan officer, asks, “Do you have any collateral?”
The frog pulls out a tiny porcelain elephant.
Confused, Ms. Whack goes to consult the bank manager. “There’s a frog here who wants a loan, but all he has for collateral is this tiny elephant. What should I do?”
The manager looks at the elephant and laughs, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!”
In a hot air balloon, a man realizes he’s lost. He spots a woman on the ground and calls out, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I’d meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am!”
The woman replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above the ground. You’re at 40 degrees north latitude and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” he guesses.
“I am,” she says. “How did you know?”
“Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I’m still lost.”
The woman smirks, “You must be in management.”
“I am! How did you know?”
“Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You made a promise but have no idea how to keep it, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in the same position as before, but now it’s my fault!”
Finally, a man visits the doctor and says, “Doctor, it hurts when I press my leg, my arm, and my chest. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor examines him and says, “Your finger is broken.”
On a rural road, a lawyer accidentally hits a pig. He gets out, worried, and a farmer approaches. “I’m so sorry! I hit your pig!” the lawyer exclaims.
The farmer shrugs, “No worries! You should come to my house; I’m having a big party tonight.”
Curious, the lawyer agrees and ends up having a blast, eating and drinking until morning. He asks, “This is the best party ever! Why did you invite me?”
The farmer grins, “Oh, I always celebrate when one of my pigs becomes a lawyer!”
While walking, two friends stumble upon a wishing well. One friend leans in and says, “Wow, I wish I had a million dollars!” Suddenly, a million dollars falls from the sky.
The second friend, amazed, wishes for his dream house. Instantly, a mansion appears.
Excited, the first friend says, “Let’s keep wishing!” He leans in and declares, “I wish I had the best car in the world!” A shiny sports car materializes.
Feeling left out, the second friend wishes, “I wish I had the best wife in the world!”
Suddenly, the first friend’s wife appears!
In a final scene, an employee walks into his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need a raise. There are three companies after me.”
The boss raises an eyebrow, “Which companies are those?”
The employee replies with a grin, “The electric company, the phone company, and the water company!”
