Blended families are everywhere these days, but fitting into them can be tough, especially for the kids involved. Some people slip into their new roles seamlessly, while others struggle. That’s the situation in the story I’m about to share with you. A stepfather, who had been there for his stepdaughter for years, felt like he was getting the short end of the stick, and it all came to a head around her wedding.

Here’s what happened:

My stepdaughter is getting married on August 3rd, and the wedding planning has been consuming her and her mother’s life for the past six months. I say her mother because we’re not married, even though we’ve lived together for ten years.

My stepdaughter graduated from university last December. I paid for her college, which cost around $40K, even though it was a state school. She hasn’t found a job yet and has been living with us throughout college and since her graduation. I also bought her a car when she finished high school so she could get to and from school.

Her biological father pops into her life occasionally, and every time he does, she goes gaga over him. Despite not contributing a cent to her education or paying child support (my girlfriend never made it part of the settlement), she still loves him and wants him in her life. He shows up just long enough to break her heart again by skipping town or breaking a promise.

The wedding venue can hold 250 people max. I gave them a list of 20 people I wanted to invite, considering I was paying for everything. They assured me it was no problem and they’d take care of it. I informed my friends to save the date.

But when I bumped into one of my friends at the golf course, he told me he got an announcement, not an invitation. He showed it to me, and sure enough, it had her dad’s name and her mom’s name, but not mine.

This discovery led to a big fight with my girlfriend. I found out none of my 20 guests made the final cut because “250 people is very tight.” I was furious but couldn’t do much because my friends were already offended. My girlfriend said, “If some people don’t RSVP yes, I might be able to get a couple of your people in.” That felt like a slap in the face.

I was boiling on Saturday.

Sunday, we had dinner with the future in-laws and a surprise guest: the “Real Dad.” During dinner, my stepdaughter announced her “Real Dad” was coming to the wedding and would give her away. The room erupted with “Oh, how great” and “How wonderful”s.

I had never felt so angry and disrespected. I was shaking and had to gather myself before speaking. Then, I stood up and made a toast. Here’s the gist of it:

“I’d like to make a toast.” Everyone clinked their glasses. “It has been my great pleasure to be a part of this family for the past ten years.” Smiles all around. “I owe a debt of gratitude to the bride and groom because they’ve opened my eyes to something very important.” More smiles.

“They showed me my position in this family isn’t what I thought it was.” Confusion spread. “I thought I was the patriarch, respected and needed. But it seems I’m just an ATM, good for money but nothing else.

Since I’ve been replaced as host, both on the invitations and in the ceremony, I’m resigning my financial duties to my successor, Real Dad. Cheers to the happy couple and their chosen path.” I finished my drink. “You all can let yourselves out.”

Was I selfish? Should I shell out $40-50K for a wedding I’m not part of? I’m done. I’m done with my stepdaughter, my girlfriend. I moved the money out of our joint account last night (she hasn’t worked since she moved in with me). This morning, I called the vendors to refund my money. I might lose around $1500 for the venue, but the other vendors were great about refunds.

Update 1

Right after my toast, there was a lot of mumbling and not much said to me directly. My girlfriend called me selfish, and I spent the night in my home office. No one checked on me. The next day, my girlfriend brought me the wedding planner to show how much work I was ruining. I flipped through it and found the music section for the Father/Daughter dances—all songs catered to Real Dad’s taste.

They didn’t care about me at all, especially since the menu included ingredients I’m allergic to. That made me laugh. I asked when she and the bride could move out. Also, I never promised to pay for the wedding; I just offered my home for a small event. But all I heard was how the bride’s family should pay, so let them.

Final Update – June 9, 2013

Girlfriend and Bride moved out. They’re moving in with the groom. It was hard not to be petty about what they took, but it’s done. I changed the locks and had a brew. I can’t believe how popular this story got, but I’m grateful for the support.

If I hear what happens with the wedding, I’ll let you know, but I’m not going to put in the effort to find out. They’re trying to scale things back and get his parents to help. My girlfriend burned bridges by trying to write herself a check from our joint account the day after the blow-up, but I had already moved the money. So, I guess I’m a bigger jerk than her, but I saw it coming. That’s all. Thanks.