What I often encounter in conversations with people who have lost their dog is that they are plagued by guilt and self-blame. These feelings often gnaw at them intensely, exacerbating the grief they are already experiencing.
It’s a understandable but dangerous state because guilt feelings often take over, hinder the overcoming of the initial and most intense mourning phase, and push the beautiful and carefree times with our loved ones into the background.
I want to show you…
- Which accusations and guilt feelings are typical (so you’re not alone with your dark thoughts),
- Which perspectives and impulses can give you hope,
- With these 3 steps, how you can objectify and defuse the accusations and guilt feelings.
Typical Accusations and Questions After the Death of the Dog
The intensity and manifestation of these emerging feelings can be quite different and depend on the circumstances of our furball’s death. Nevertheless, almost everyone grapples with guilt feelings, self-blame, and doubts about decisions made.
- Did I appreciate my dog enough during his lifetime and give him the love and attention he deserved?
- Did I let him suffer for too long?
- Was my decision for euthanasia too hasty? Could my sweetheart have had a chance?
- Could I have prevented the death, and am I responsible for it?
- …
It’s these and other agonizing questions that intensify the pain of loss and worsen our situation. Not only do we deeply miss our companion, but we also doubt ourselves, our decisions, and may consider ourselves bad and selfish.
The troubling aspect of these thoughts is that they can significantly impact our self-perception if not addressed in a purposeful and constructive way.
Some people literally self-destroy through these thoughts, becoming so immersed and entrenched in them that it internally destroys them. They carry the perceived guilt and shortcomings throughout their lives – not a good starting point for processing the loss and eventually looking forward optimistically.
The purposeful handling of this type of self-blame is crucially important!
The good news is that the most common accusations can be “objectified,” helping you forgive and accept yourself – just as your furry friend would have wished!
Perspectives and Ways of Thinking to Overcome Guilt and Self-Blame
I want to provide you with some perspectives that can hopefully brighten your outlook and offer you comfort.
They are meant to help you gain some distance and look at your situation from a less accusatory perspective.
In practice, many people find it challenging to do so, and if one isn’t careful, they end up in a continuous downward spiral of negative emotions.
Losing yourself entirely in negative thoughts can pose serious risks to your health—please don’t allow that to happen!
Many people get lost in the thought and desire to somehow still help their beloved pet – you might be experiencing this too.
But I assure you: He is doing well where he is now! He feels no pain, no anger, no disappointment, and no fear. He is probably looking down on you right now, wondering why you’re so sad!
I bet your dog wishes for nothing more than to see you happy again, just like in your best and most joyful times together! Therefore, be aware that, at this moment, it’s all about rebuilding yourself!
This is not a betrayal of your sweetheart and does not mean you are forgetting your beloved pet – quite the opposite! Your dog should become a part of your personality in a positive sense: a piece of memory that you carry in your heart with pride and gratitude. Moments of melancholy will always remain, but your sweetheart would want you to think of him with joy and do everything to be happy again!
What happens if you can’t get rid of your guilt and accusations? The answer is: You will always think back to your loyal companion with pain and sorrow. Do you want that, and does he deserve it? I don’t think so, and I’m sure you agree!
Therefore, you should do everything in your power to forgive yourself and accept your actions and decisions. I repeat: It is not a betrayal of your furry friend if you try to alleviate your guilt!
The fact that you have severe accusations about his death is proof enough that you loved your dog deeply. It would be much worse if it were otherwise! I find the following quote very beautiful and fitting in this context:
“The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.”
The thoughts, the accusations, the grief clearly show the deep connection that existed between you and your dog. This alone should be a reason to pause and look back on your time together with a smile and gratitude.
Which dog in this world was granted such a beautiful life in total?! Don’t let the possibly dark final hours of your beloved companion and your current sorrow overshadow the majority of your otherwise wonderful time together!
Guilt feelings are insidious!
The process I am about to show you requires a certain objectivity. A contradiction to the very emotional topic, as you may think. But it is precisely in this objectivity that strength lies, trust me!
Don’t get me wrong here: At this point, it is NOT about rationalizing your grief and loss, but solely about freeing yourself from guilt feelings and self-blame, and showing you that holding onto them leads to NOTHING.
Before we really get started, it’s important for you to consciously understand one thing:
Guilt feelings and self-blame are insidious because they can only be overcome when we forgive ourselves.
However, most people are very strict and not very forgiving or gentle in their judgments toward themselves. It’s about forgiving ourselves for something we consider unforgivable.
A real dilemma, isn’t it?
This is also the reason why one often surrenders “without a fight” to these negative thoughts and accusations, repeatedly convincing oneself that one bears a terrible guilt.
You are tempted to unquestioningly indulge in these feelings and drown in them.
The problem, of course, is that you will never feel better this way!
The crucial point is, of course, that the declared goal is for YOU to feel better!
You should and are allowed to feel better! The sooner, the better! You must internalize this, accept it, and above all: allow it!
Don’t get me wrong: It’s not about saying, “OK, everything is fine now” – that would be nonsense, of course!
I mean, rather, that you must first allow yourself to feel better!
I emphasize this so strongly at this point because many people consider even the thought of reducing grief and guilt feelings as a betrayal to their furry friend.
That’s nonsense! Of course, you should soon be able to laugh again, be carefree, and enjoy the beautiful things in life!
If you have trouble allowing yourself that, the following questions or perspectives might help:
What would your sweetheart have wished for you? To be sad or happy?
Does feeling bad improve the situation in any way?
If you can’t or won’t forgive yourself, do it at least for your dog! He would have surely demanded it from you! You owe it to him!
The Process – 3 Steps to Insight
Now that this important matter is clarified in advance, let’s focus on the actual process of how you can analyze and weaken your feelings of guilt.
We proceed in 3 steps:
- Step 1: Identify – What exactly do you blame yourself for?
- Step 2: Find justification – What reasons led you to act the way you did?
- Step 3: Accept – Forgive and accept.
One thing in advance: The steps we go through here are not a “Once done, the matter is closed” process.
Especially steps 2 and 3 require some repetition until you truly accept and internalize them!
So let’s get to the first step:
First, you need to clearly understand what you are blaming yourself for. You must be able to complete one of the following sentences as precisely as possible:
- “I blame myself for…”
- “I reproach myself for…”
- “It burdens me that…”
Now, it’s important that you “de-emotionalize” your view of this accusation (does this word even exist?!).
What I mean is that you understand it on the “issue level” and try to ignore the negative consequences (pain, suffering, etc.) that the accusation brought with it.
This decoupling is important because we tend to mix our accusations strongly with emotions.
Example accusation 1: “I couldn’t bring myself to euthanize my dog in time and thus caused him unnecessary suffering and let him endure pain.”
Do you notice that this accusation consists of two aspects? The factual part of the accusation itself (“waited too long to euthanize”) and the emotional, feeling-oriented component (“he suffered, he was in pain, I tortured him…”).
It is important to recognize this difference! The emotional component is the one that makes us act irrationally and often prevents us from analyzing our guilt feelings “soberly.” Emotions and objectivity do not work well together.
So, let’s focus on the factual part that is present in most accusations: Try to identify this for your individual situation and make sure you only deal with this aspect, not allowing yourself to be “captured” by the associated emotions.
Once you have grasped the factual aspect of your accusation, we move on to step 2 and determine the reasons for your actions.
Why did you act the way you did? What prompted you? What circumstances, experiences, and feelings led you to react and decide as you did?
Based on our “example accusation” from above, I can think of many different justifications (all of which I have actually read or heard before):
I euthanized my dog late because…
- I didn’t have money for the vet.
- I was afraid of being alone.
- I hoped his condition would change.
- I misjudged his health condition.
- I had little time to really take care of him, etc.
You see that there can be many reasons for a decision, and usually several of these factors even play together. Thus, the seemingly simple question “Why did you act the way you did” is not that easy to answer.
Dealing with accusations
Usually, the reasons for your actions and decisions can be categorized into one of these types:
- External Constraints (circumstances “imposed” from the outside over which one typically has little control, e.g., not having money, not being present, etc.)
- Intuitive Mistakes (behavior in situations that one has not consciously processed, e.g., being briefly distracted and causing an accident, etc.)
- Misjudgments (a decision consciously made that later proved to be “wrong,” e.g., deciding against euthanasia because there was still a spark of hope)
What they all have in common is that we perceive them as mistakes or failures on our part, typically a bit less so for external constraints and more so for intuitive mistakes and misjudgments.
Essentially, the following insights and thought experiments can help you forgive yourself or alleviate the accusations of guilt:
- You have never acted with malicious intent towards your companion at any time, regardless of the decision you ultimately made.
- Making a mistake or a wrong decision does not mean you are a bad person! Be aware that you are not your behavior!
- No one is perfect; everyone makes mistakes. You are one of approximately 7 billion other people on this planet who make mistakes every day, both big and small.
Try to understand your decisions from the perspective of a wise, intelligent, and kind person. Ask yourself if this person would not show understanding for your behavior.
Perhaps you have someone in mind to whom you attribute these qualities—maybe it’s your grandmother or grandfather, your parents, or someone like the Dalai Lama or Dumbledore from Harry Potter (I hope you understand what I mean?!)
Don’t you think such a person would forgive you and show understanding for your motives? Are the accusations you are making against yourself really unforgivable, or are you overvaluing them because you are making them yourself?
On the flip side, what would you say to a good friend who is making the accusations you are making against yourself? Wouldn’t you have sincere words of comfort ready?
It is often extremely helpful to embrace this perspective and exchange your role with that of another.
“Forgiving” and “Accepting” constitute the third and final step in the process of dealing with feelings of guilt and accusations.
It’s important that you genuinely engage with the insights outlined above without prejudice, not dismissing them as mere “platitudes,” and try to approach the topic as objectively as possible.
Acceptance of the accusations will not happen overnight, and you’ll likely need to reflect on these ideas and perspectives multiple times. This is normal, as this process takes some time!
I hope I could provide you with some insights that help you perceive your situation from a different perspective. If you don’t resonate with the explanations, feel free to write to me and describe your individual situation.
Was this post helpful? What other aspects come to mind that could help others? Leave a comment.
