My daughter just walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and laptop.

Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or a pawn shop. Sell my new car, take my house key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me, never talk to me again, and write me out of your will, leaving my share to my brother.”

Of course, she didn’t exactly say it like that. What she actually said was, “Dad, this is my new boyfriend.”

Another funny story:

I had just returned from a thrilling safari in Africa. Excited, I hurried over to my buddy Mark’s place to share the wild tale of my adventure.

“You won’t believe what happened!” I exclaimed as I sat down. “I was deep in the jungle when I suddenly heard a rustling noise behind me. Turning around, I saw this enormous lion, licking his lips and giving me a sly grin.”

Mark’s eyes widened as I continued, “The lion started creeping toward me, and I bolted. But the lion was right on my heels! Just as it was about to catch me, the lion slipped and I managed to gain some ground.”

I went on, “But the lion was persistent and started closing in on me again. Just as it was almost on me, it slipped once more! I spotted a house nearby and sprinted toward it.”

Mark leaned forward, hanging on to every word. I added, “As I got closer to the house, the lion nearly caught up to me again but slipped for a third time! With my last ounce of strength, I dashed into the house and slammed the door in the lion’s face.”

Mark let out a sigh of relief and said, “Wow, John, if that were me, I would’ve totally crapped my pants.”

I chuckled and replied, “Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on?”